THIS IS A JOURNAL OF MY LIFE JOURNEY. WITH WORDS JUXTAPOSE TO IMAGES, SO YOU CAN IMAGINE MY LIFE INSIDE OF YOUR HEART & SOUL UNTIL YOU ARE IN SYNC WITH THE SOLES OF MY SHOES...
Looks like the years keep rolling by...and even though, things get better with time...It just seems that I see life like sands thru the hourglass...Is that a good thing?
Maybe what I should do is stay in the moment and focus on the wonderful times I have been experiencing with my family. The good times, the bad times...the times.
This year on my birthday I had to work...Although I wanted to spend time with my family, I was only able to spend the beginning of the day with them. As of lately I have been working for Laguna Honda Hospital. I wanted the job, I got the job and it's where I want to be. It's a city job, so the wage is decent and the benefits are outstanding...And those outstanding benefits are going to help me deal with my health issues as I stated in my previous entry, please believe it.
Things are looking up and I am feeling so good...This is the year where I plan to become the man I envision my self as being...Magnificent!
Life is coldblooded... When I say that I mean, that when you look at it in retrospect, you figure out things that you wish you would have picked up on, but for some reason...you didn't. (If I only knew then, what I know now...) My ex boss use to always say, "I hate bad smells". Me being the weirdo I am, I always thought that she was insinuating that she could smell the marijuana that I had just smoked on break, or she wanted me to add a little more bleach to the toilet she use to bomb after early morning dump. She got fired soon after that so i really didn't pay her remarks any mind. With similar comments here and there, I really never took the remarks to heart. I am a pretty hygenic dude, so I honestly had no reason to feel like they were addressing me. However, I guess they were doing as my elders say, "Throwing rocks". Fast Forward! Six months ago, I was in a Goodwill Training Course. It was there that I was informed about my situation. It was quite the horrific experience. People making direct comments, making sure that they weren't in groups or paired up with me, giving me those "You dress better than me...but you smell homeless by the mouth looks"! It got so bad, that I felt as though I didn't want to live no more, seriously. How do you chew gum, suck mints and still have people treat you like you have the plague. One day we had took a trip to the city dump. In my head I am like, I shouldn't hear none of that b.s., but this fat latin chick says, "Hey Lannie, you like the smell here..." Needless to say, me and her stayed getting into it...Point being, this was the discovery that a issue had developed. Fast Forward! With not having fulltime work, it was hard to get the health care, I knew I needed, to rectify the problems I was having. Additional problem, my marijuana abuse. Financially, I was incapable of handling my affairs and getting the care I needed, so that was the boost I needed to quit smoking weed everyday. You would have thought that having a son would have been initiative enough, but it wasn't. Not that I don't unconditially love him, but the pain of not being capable of not being able to provide for him in the fashion I would like...kept me smokin' on a blunt. Bad breath, as I said before...made me want to cease living. The way people treat you, it's the worse feeling in the world. I try to consult my girl, but she really doesn't understand. She thinks that my answer is simply getting a job, but how can you get a job when everywhere you go, you get treated like Hitler, honestly. But I finally did kick the kush, and managed to get some dental insurance. I recently dealt with a doctor and she informed me that orally my mouth wasn't in that bad a shape. I noticed that the staff, treated me the same way that every one else did. The dentist said that my issue could be, my diet or something else (nasal infection, liver, or stomach) internally. Sigh!!! I just want to get a job and provide for my family, but it seems like this is going to be harder to kick than I thought. Until then, the asians at the supermarket I work parttime at...will have to continue to give me those upside- down you turn me looks. Hot-Damn!!!
It's been almost 2 years since I last spoke with myself. A lot has happened, changed, for the better and the worse. A very good friend and I were chatting a few months ago and she said, "Lannie, one thing about your blog is you told your story...you kept it real & honest. That is probably one of the main reasons I haven't been blogging, it is because I was hesitant to keep it real and honest. Even with myself. How do you find the words, that you don't won't to hear...and still feel comfortable expressing them to the world. Yes, I could make it private. But for me keeping it real is like a confessional. I can't keep it private. I have to remove the weight off my chest. I knew once I did find the courage to return it be a like a baptism of some sort. So here it is, the introduction to, from here on out...
Today I was able to meet up with some friends I haven't seen in eons. When I was incarcerated, I participated in a peer-organized program called keepin it real with brother Akil. I grew to know Bro. Akil quite well, he became like a mentor/father that l never had. Today K.I.R, had a presentation for the fire dept. in West Oakland. It seems as if one of the local high schools was reaching out to the department for mentors. During the presentation the mentioned a few black men who were not so good academically at the time but still became influential individuals in American history, Malcolm X, Michael Jordan, W. E. B. DuBois and quite a few others. Talented individuals who truly made some positive changes in their lives. Hopefully I can do the same.
This thanksgiving was a moment to remember. Usually I tend to not look forward to spending quality time with the family, however this thanksgiving was a change. Last year at this time my family was on the verge of eviction. It seemed as if trouble was kin to us. One thing after another and with no signs of peril ever ending. But like they say, "This too shall pass..." So although my family is still struggling, the situation is improving. With food and shelter plus a few other amenities, there is nothing that I nor my family should waste our time bitching about. Plus I have the most adorable neice that a uncle could ever ask for....I'm gonna spoil that little gurl rotten....LOL!!!
As I was making my way to my seats last night I noticed a face. I inadvertently asked, "What's your name?" The woman answered, "Devorah." I rushed over and said, "You signed a book for me before." Devorah Major is a former San Francisco Poet Laureate. I heard her speak at a past poetry reading at the San Francisco Palace of the Arts. She was amazing...I should have spoke on it but at the time I just said hi and did it moving.... My seats were all the way in the back row. I hate back row seats but I didn't mind, I was still able to see Miss Toni Morrison, just not as good as I would have liked. She spoke on Obama and the energy it takes in which to write a nobel peace prize winning book. She mentioned that she never writes from what critics may mention about her. Although my friend was not as enthused about being there, she stayed awake, for some of the program. I bought a autographed copy of here new book "A mercy". I can't wait to see if she still has the skills tho pay the bills.
