Tuesday, December 25, 2007
It's Christmas Night. I haven't had the priviledge of being home for the holidays for 8 years now. This Christmas I am up listening to Allen Ginsberg and thinking about what I was doing one year ago, how was I feeling one year ago. It's such a drastic change to go from one extreme to the next and then with a slight shift of thought...it's really quite natural. Coming home from prison isn't natural, but changing is...it's constant, as they say.
Well I finally completed my 24 week class in computer training. I was a little uneasy about attending the graduation, being in a social setting which would be predominantly my academic peers and instructors. I understand that it is innate for me to stand upon the soil of my own grave and ponder, "Where do I go from here? How do I get to the great wall of China from the Golden Gate Bridge? How the hell this carriage get in front dis' here horse?" I was so wrapped up in the idea that a conversation about the latest stainless steel, 54 mbps, 1,000,000 GB Iphone may come past my way and I would feel so stupid, that I, Lannie Ross hadn't recieved a email from Bill Gates himself informing me first about it. Lawd forbid, in this vast world of technology, that I may miss something, let alone not know every detail, down to the most minute specifications.
Bun on the contrary, the night was rather pleasant. I attended it with my mother, who was very quiet. If she didn't take a cigarette break from time to time, I may not have noticed the nectar of her of nicotine, breaking the silence, like a sledgehammer at the hill of my nose. I believe she may have been avoiding the same conversation about that Iphone too. Lucky for us, no one at our table gave a damn about a computer that night.
I am looking forward to being with my mother and family tomorrow. It's unfortunate that I am unable to give her a present like I would like. Something nice like a bouquet of hundred dollar bills, or a new house. But with her and my family being evicted come the 2nd of the New Year, I believe that their are some other priorities that we should all focus towards. I am going to bring over some chocolate chip cookies and hope to cherish a memory, maybe a year from now. How I was feeling, when my money was about as thin as Lionel Richie's anorexic daughter, or I may wonder about the hybrid of emotions I was feeling when I was nervous about passing a dumb ass test, about where my mama was gonna call her next home-instead of praisin' the Lawd that he aint callin' her home.
It's hard for me to be in the moment sometime and not react. But I am proceeding to learn, each and every day how to remain humble and have patience. Be thankful that I was allowed the opportunity to be with my mom, family and friends this year. This year, in 2007 that's all that truthfully matters. So when that slight shift saunters on in, I will look him crack-dabb in the middle of his eyes and calmly ask, "So, where do we go from here?"
I wasn't able to catch it verbatim, but Mr. Ginsberg was asked since he has written homosexual poems, does he view himself as only a homosexual writer? His response was that sometimes he is bi, straight, a poet, a activist...etc.
Constantly changin', can't be the same, gotta put a twist wit' that, some fries and a shake, shift it baby....ever so slightly.